DreamDemonSister

So very long it seems. I have not even really thought of this place. In search of an old website I tried to make many years ago, I happened upon my deviantart instead. It's been four years since I've been here. I have yet to know what is hidden from myself in this place. Am I ready to dive into that old part of me? Only one way to find out!

Long time no seeee. Talking about a lot has changed! Nothing as really changed for me actually. I've been going through love/emotion issues which caused big body/self-image issues. It got pretty bad.

Tons actually. For one, according to the last journal I posted, I was in contact with Lieh and even missing him. He is no longer part of my life and I plan on keeping it that way this time. I'm having trouble working through things with myself, but I seem okay.
At least to myself. There are friends that I'm treasuring more and more lately. High school is almost finished with me and I'm terrified I'll never see any of my friends again. Especially with the distance that is being placed between one of my close friends. I thought that we were going to get close. I want to almost call him my best friend but in all honesty, he already has a best friend who is far above me in his eyes. That is fine and all. Blahblahblah!
Still dealing with Ana. Though her voice has quieted to a nagging whisper, her claws are attacking the threads that hold my blood surrounding my bones. It's strange to have to admit it, but I don't want help. I'm feeling alone and forgotten. Unwanted by many people. The eyes of some of my friends is driving me crazy. Oh! How bad I want to tell them exactly what is going on. That I'm NOT okay. I can't bring myself to do it...I can't seem to take the breath to scream.
I am checked weekly for cutting and signs of starving. That was the result of going to Mum for help. It's not working and no one is doing anything. I can't do this on my own. Everyone is so proud of me for speaking up and keeping my anger in. I'm not proud of myself or you because I want help and no one is here to take my hand.
Trying to keep a habit from taking control. I can feel it on my fingertips trying to escape. Every friend I have, everyone I know, I want to take their hand to hold as if I'm a child looking for comfort. Which is EXACTLY what I'm doing. The problem? Every friend I feel that close to has a girlfriend or boyfriend and they all might get the wrong idea.
I have three blogs up for this sort of thing. This rant about my feelings.
Barely has been a help.
I know there is someone reading them, but they aren't taking action or really trying to do anything.
They read and stay in the shadows. Worrying about me and not saying anything when I want them to. Or just ignoring it because there is someone else they care more about and they need them more than just me.
My writing mind is trying to push through and lace together simple words again. It's slow moving and doing me no good at this point. I want to write secrets and truths that no one with understand but they will see it's true.
Drawing? Can't bring myself to even try anymore. I'd rather just color. Coloring is fun.

It's been a beautiful rainy day, which doesn't come as often as I'd like at all. It was wonderful. Sooo, of course I just HAD to go for a walk when the rain had finally let up. I went with my sisters and we took a good number of pictures that turned out pretty horrible! Ohhh how I wish I had a real camera. I post a few pictures up, not at all the best but the ones I settled on anyway.

I finally got some real rest last night. I've been reading/listening to the audio of Les Miserables. Eveyday, at all times, trying to get through it and at the same time follow what's going on. Yesterday I didn't listen to my audio for the first time. It was great to not be put asleep by the french reader. Today I had to catch up, but didn't succeed nearly as well as I would've liked. It's okay though, since the book is finally coming together.

I've been acting wierd as of this morning. I want to blame the rain but honestly I've no idea what has gotten into me. I want to see my bestfriend again. I miss Lieh sooo much! I've done some really bad things in the past, but with this new chance, I will not convert back to my past. I'm not going to baby around anymore. I'm going to take the steps I need to. Now...if only I can figure out which college I'm going to go to. Due to a lack of information, I can't seem to get ahold of the college near Lieh. I have to live closer to him ASAP!

My inspiration is back and is blinding me. I don't have the time or mind to do anything with this inspiration yet.

I guess that is all I can think to right down. I'm pretty much dead. I wonder if it's because the rain.

To start off I have ZERO inspiration lately. That's a problem? YES! I finally want to draw and relax and feel amazing, but there's zero inspiration. I'm currently looking for a model to draw. I'm not having much luck at all o.o", not even from my friends online. Which is still few.

Finished the second day of school today. I must admit it was only slightly better than the first day, but it's still not looking too great. I'm sure things will get better when I start playing in orchestra, get my report card from last year, and take my first AR test of the year. My goal is to beat the AR top score! Will I succeed? Most likely not. I'd have to get about 1200 AR points. Harry Potter here I come I guess.

Broke up with my last boyfriend, Jake. He's not taking it well, and I guess I'm not either. I don't know how I'm doing on that since I seem to lack real emotion. I hate wearing mask infront of my friends but it needs to be done.

I have my bestfriend, Lieh, back though, so that is one good thing in my life. He doesn't trust me, but I don't expect him to after what I did to him. I hate being influenced easily!!

If anyone wants to model--HIT ME UP! I'll pay when and if possible and give model credit to you for my drawing.

Be strong <3 Don't sacrifice true love.